Since I have gone to law school I have always like collecting lawyer jokes. Some people think it strange that someone would make fun of his own profession. However if you cannot laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at I ask?

Question: How can you tell it is really cold outside?
Answer: The lawyer has his hands in his own pockets.

Question: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
Answer: You can’t get a finger between the rope and his neck!

Question: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
Answer: A good start!

Question: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
Answer:     His lips are moving.

Question: What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
Answer: There are skid marks before of the dog.

Question: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
Answer: Professional courtesy.

Question: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Answer: Not enough sand.

Question: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
Answer: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.

Question: What is the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
Answer: The lawyer charges more.

A man meets a lawyer at a party and says to him, “Can I ask you a question?” The lawyer replies, “Sure, what is it?” The man responds, “How much for an initial consultation?” The lawyer, obviously well prepared rejoins, “A thousand dollars for three questions, what is your third question?”

Stumble it!